Tuesday, December 18th 2007


The Evil Lair is fully staffed!
posted @ 9:22 am in [ ]

Finally, at long last, the position of Evil Bodyman has been filled. (Check the Evil Lair category for background if you have no idea what I’m talking about, here.) Welcome, John B. Evil!




Tuesday, July 17th 2007


Evil Lair staffing
posted @ 8:48 am in [ ]

Well, the evil lair is pretty well staffed at this point, with one exception: I still don’t have an evil bodyman. True, I have mad organizational skills, but I can’t do it all… The quest continues, but here are all the nice — I mean — evil folks who have been installed thus far. Of course, we will create a position for the right applicant.

Evil R&D: Josh H. Evil
Evil Publicity: Melissa R. Evil

Evil Engineering and Maintenance: Derek S. Evil
Evil Hospitality and Reception: Chris P. Evil

Evil Litigation and Accounting: Robert Z. Evil, Esq. (in negotiations
Evil Ballistics, Explosives and Security: Tommy S. Evil

Evil Pastry Chef: Michael M. Evil

Evil Animal Husbandry: Sparky J. Evil

Evil Transportation: Scott U. Evil

Evil Real Estate and Development: Zen S. Evil (in negotiations)
Evil Personal Valet: still open!
Evil Interior Design and Propaganda: Jese E. K. Evil

Evil IT Support: Wookie D. Evil

Evil Housekeeping: My mom

Evil Union Shop Steward: Phillip S. Evil




Thursday, May 24th 2007


Positions still open in the Evil Lair
posted @ 2:50 am in [ ]

For those of you looking for an evil opportunity, a few are still available:

Evil Real Estate and Development
Are there volcanoes available for development, or will we have to build our own? How many antennae can we put up? What are the neighbors like? These are all things we need to know, and the right candidate will be able to tell us, as well as supervising larger (possibly underwater) projects.

Evil Personal Valet
Do I have an evil pen on me that’s the kind I like? Is the evil purple vampire cape I’d like to wear tomorrow cleaned and pressed? What pathetic dogooder are we feeding to Sharkey Sharkmeister, Mister Grumpy Gills and Huck Fin later? I can’t be bothered to keep track of all these things. I’ll need an evil bodyman.

Evil Housekeeping
…and you shouldn’t be too squeamish. You never know who or what is going to have to be scraped off the walls and ceilings of an evil lair.





Thursday, April 26th 2007


The Evil Dr. Hellspawn deigns to fill out a survey
posted @ 12:31 am in [ ]

Many folks have been wondering how it’s going with the evil lair. Here, this should give you an idea: an insipid email survey!

1. If you were to find out you were pregnant what would you do? I would find the alien bastard who knocked me up and blast his green guts all over the mothership.

2. Do you trust your friends? I only trust my minions–and only the truly evil ones.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the person you love? If he doesn’t want to come live in the evil lair, he’s obviously not cool enough to warrant even a second date. Or perhaps even to be allowed to pollute society with his lameness for another minute. I would have him pulled like taffy until he was only a molecule thick.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? That’s what I tell everyone before I throttle them. It seems to give them closure.

5. Name three things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship. Ice in my scotch. Pineapple dessert topping. Insolence.

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best roommate for you? If I believed in sharing, I would have selected an entirely different career path. None of my rooms needs a mate, mate.

7. Can you deal with people who are too concerned with status? I don’t deal with them so much as have them dispatched.

8. Are you afraid of falling in love? No, but I do hate it when it gets on my shoes.

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times throughout the day? The next person who should get a Tazer to the neck just to amuse me. I’m thinking that obnoxious “gran’pa” in the peanut butter commercial that’s on all the time is about ripe for zapping.

10. Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new guy/girl? Certainly not. I would just have the uncooperative party fed to the giant carniverous bats. Can’t we all just get along?

11. Name one person from your friends list that you could call to fix a flat tire…? Doesn’t human sacrifice fix flat tires? It doesn’t? Are you sure? After conducting some unnecessary empirical research about that, I would summon Evil Transport to retrieve the defective vehicle, have the person responsible for placing a non-teflon-lined tire on one of my vehicles diced into a fine powder and lovingly placed in his own car’s ashtray, and if I was feeling frisky, see if Evil R&D had some sort of evil vehicular prototype ready for testing. If they didn’t, I would make the insolent project director wear a sweater vest until there was something good (best to use only minor torture to motivate those delicate engineering types), summon the evil Harley with the sidecar full of surly venomous snakes, and Bob’s your uncle.

12. From your friends list, who can you call in the middle of the night if you need to talk? Someone with a lot of money, so I could extort it from them while we were talking. I like to multitask.

13. What PHYSICAL qualities do you find most attractive in the opposite sex? Being shark- and bulletproof. It comes in handy. Like that foxy Rasputin.

14. Fill in the blank. I will NEVER __ let Karl Rove into the evil lair. He keeps insisting he’s evil and trying to invite himself, but when it comes to true evil, he’s just a poseur.

15. What is your number one priority in life? Evil. No, puppies! Pah-ha-haaa! I’m just kidding. It’s evil.

16. What can you tell about a person by kissing them? What they might taste like if I had them killed slowly and gently and then roasted in a nice white wine shallot sauce.

17. When you get married, how would you envision your dream wedding to be? I’m married to my work. But if I did remarry: Vegas, baby.

18. If you could say just one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? I would select from my repertoire of blood-curdling evil laughs.

19. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended period of time, name some people you would want to see around your bed? The lifeless bodies of my nemeses suspended festively about the room with mylar “get well” balloons. Evil Design, get on that, will you?

20. How many kids do you want to have? Oh, I’m not very hungry. Just one.

21. Would you make a good parent? I just don’t have the time for that sort of thing anymore. I would have Evil R&D make one if one were required.

22. When are the monkeys coming to town? I’m so glad you asked! The homicidal mandrils are already here and settling in. The flying robot monkeys with laser-guided missile launchers should be in next week.

23. What is your middle name? Evil.

24. Do you smoke cigarettes? No, cigarettes are really more impudent than evil.

25. Honestly, does your crush like you back? I think I’ve had a lot of people crushed who did secretly like me, yes.

26. What is your current mood? Bemused. And evil.

27. What do you love most? Evil. No, wait! Fanciful touches to an evil lair, like Dr. No’s “aquarium” or the rippled surface of the volcano “lake” in You Only Live Twice. Ah, evil really is in the details.

28. What makes you most happy? Evil. Duh!

29. Are you musically inclined? Why, yes! Down in the torture pit, I have assembled a fun pipe organ dealie composed of prisoners with really nicely-pitched screams. The dead keys do get annoying, though, if I haven’t played in a few days. I’ll have to have it tuned more often.

30. If you could go back in time, and change something, what would it be? I would have implemented more evil plots earlier on so I could have funded my evil doctorate more quickly, and thus have completed the evil lair sooner. Sigh. C’est la vie.

31. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day, what would you be? One of my perimiter jaguars. I would be rewarded with fresh meat for being irritable, and spend the rest of the day sleeping and possibly making it with other sleek, saucy, irritable jaguars. It’s really an ideal existence.

32. Ever have a near death experience? No, I only inflict those. They are then followed by the destinational death experience.

33. Something you do a lot? Tell nemeses I’m really just an instrument of instant karma, and laugh my ass off while they apologize for leaving the cap off the toothpaste and beg for their lives. Then I have them ironically smashed into the consistency of, well, toothpaste, and laugh my ass off all over again.

34. What’s the name of the song that’s stuck in your head right now? “Close to you.” I’m going to kill something with my bare hands immediately.

35. Who did you copy and paste this from? Some mortal.

36. Name someone with the same b-day as YOU?? Once again: Sharing is for pansies.

37. Do you own a car? I own multiple modes of transportation, all of them evil and bristling with firepower.

39. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience? I sing to the sharks sometimes. They’re all getting rather large.

40. What’s the first thing you notice about the same sex? Their general inferiority.

41. What do you usually order from Starbucks? The manager’s head. And a caramel macchiato.

42. Have you ever stolen something? Oh my, yes! Money, jewels, precious metals, weaponry, security, self-respect, souls, lives… and once I ate a whole handful of olives right out of the bin at Safeway. And you’d better believe I’m too evil to use those little plastic tongs.

44. Have you ever been arrested before? My operation is above petty police affairs.

45. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows? No, but we have a special room in the torture pit that has a wall of high-definition TV screens that show nothing but Teletubbies. It’s truly amazing how quickly people who get locked in there are broken.

46. What is your favorite tv show? Well, now, it’s Teletubbies. You can’t argue with success.

47. Have you ever snuck out of your house to go to a party? No, but sometimes when people try to sneak in, we have some nice evil pastries, put their heads on pikes and make balloon animals with their entrails.

48. Name something funny that happened to you today? I found a stray human eyeball lying around and put it in the new guy’s potato salad. He screamed and screamed… It was hilarious. He didn’t work out, but I did save his eyeballs so I can assure his replacement will be much better.

49. Do you speak any other language? Yes, I can conduct business in several languages, and I also have Esperanto spoken in the torture pit.

50. What’s your favorite smell? Evil.




Wednesday, February 28th 2007


Minion Auditions!
posted @ 2:37 pm in [ ]

As mentioned in earlier posts, Doctor SPAWN! definitely needs an evil lair, and you know what that means. If you have an evil lair, you gotta have minions. Otherwise, you’ve got yourself an emptyass, echoing lair with nobody running the controls for the pseudo-volcano rocket launching pad, the multi-sharktank suite, or hell, even the intercom buzzer to see who’s at the gate. (That would of course be the gate protected by electricity, cameras, guys with bats, live jackals, and the threat of pineapple ice cream topping.) We currently have openings in all departments, including:

Evil R&D Somebody’s gotta make the other-rocket-munching rockets, the sea drills, the evil jet skis… Not to mention determining, by evil scientific study, whether the guys with bats should be replaced with giant killer fruit bats or what.

Evil Publicity While a full spread in Evil Lairs and Gardens would be lovely, I’m thinking more along the lines of spreading rumors through the local villages about scary things like dragons, exploding grain silos and pineapple pizza being “up there” so as to keep the innocent away and lure potentially worthy nemeses to the premises.

Evil Engineering and Maintenance Somebody’s gotta run the cool evil gadgets, and fix ‘em if they break.

Evil Hospitality and Reception Duties include greeting both welcome and unwelcome guests, answering phones, coordinating evil catering, and probably an evil appointment secretary to keep my evil calendar. This department also houses the coveted position of Evil Parking Attendant. Duties include, but are not limited to, moving car seats, changing all radio pre-sets to horrible static, and removing all change from cup holders. Hiring bonuses are offered to those creative enough to invent and implement disturbing sounds and smells in vehicles without an obvious point of origin.

Evil Litigation and Accounting Perhaps this is redundant, but contract noncompliance should be prosecuted, even if it is just a verbal contract with a victim; and we should be monitoring our cash flow and keeping up appearances of legitimate business. (Evil HR has been done.)

Evil Ballistics, Explosives and Security You can’t expect potential nemeses to just shoot, decapitate, defenestrate, and blow up themselves, now can you? (If you can, I’m afraid you’re just not right for this department. See the below opening.)

Evil Pastry Chef It’s my lair and I want pastries, dammitt. There should also be evil pastries for unwelcome guests: those dry cheese danishes you get at interminable meetings, things with lots of trans-fats, things topped with pineapple…

Evil Animal Husbandry We’ll need people to feed the sharks, make sure the jackals are healthy yet irritable, and work on the giant carniverous fruitbat program, among other needs.

Evil Transportation I think the evil denizen-about-town ought to have every convenience and make a memorable entrance wherever she goes. Sure, someone should drive me places so I don’t have to park, but there should be a full array of evil conveyances to choose from: cars, aircraft, boats, skis, rollerblades… Probably not Segways, though — they’re not evil enough, and they’re both too fast for the sidewalk and too slow for the street. Plus: just too silly.

Evil Real Estate and Development Are there volcanoes available for development, or will we have to build our own? How many antennae can we put up? What are the neighbors like? These are all things we need to know, and the right candidate will be able to tell us, as well as supervising larger (possibly underwater) projects.

Evil Personal Valet Do I have an evil pen on me that’s the kind I like? Is the evil purple vampire cape I’d like to wear tomorrow cleaned and pressed? What pathetic dogooder are we feeding to Sharkey Sharkmeister, Mister Grumpy Gills and Huck Fin later? I can’t be bothered to keep track of all these things. I’ll need an evil bodyman.

Evil Interior Design and Propaganda An evil lair should be stylish, tasteful, and just a little bit futuristic. It should also have a good logo, dramatically evil yet insanely comfortable seating, and motivational propaganda posters that urge minions to take pride in their evil tasks. The right person might even have some ideas for shiny guest apparel that doesn’t actually look good on anyone, and some fabulous evil designs for me. That would be perfect.

Evil IT Support I am NOT going to have my WiFi cut out during an unreasonable ransom demand, and it is just plain undignified to get spam on my evil email account.

Evil Housekeeping …and you shouldn’t be too squeamish. You never know who or what is going to have to be scraped off the walls and ceilings of an evil lair.

Evil Union Shop Steward The Evil Lair is an equal opportunity employer, and pays fair evil wages with good evil benefits. Evil union membership is encouraged but not required for evil employment (but if you don’t join, it might be difficult to get another evil job later — those down at the Evil Union Hall do take notice). The right candidate for this position has good contacts, a pleasant negotiating manner, strong speaking skills, patellas made of titanium, and possibly gills.

Sorry, Evil Cat has been filled. We promote from within.