Over the last few weeks, my husband Phillip and I have had a running gag about who would win in a fight: Yoda or Gandalf. While I can’t imagine what two such moral equivalents would possibly have to fight about, I admit I am nonetheless intrigued. Gandalf of course has size on his side, and is good with both sword and magic staff. Yoda, on the other hand, jumps around while he’s fighting like a bush baby on a double-espresso. Judge him by his size, will you? Of course, he said that when he was still a puppet, placidly dislodging X-wing fighters from swamps, and not a computer-generated mirage who mugs like he’s having a bowel movement every time he practices a little telekinesis.

So Yoda vs. Gandalf SMACKDOWN! goes something like this: In this corner, wearing tasteful neutral-colored flowing robes, standing six-foot-nine, weighing 220 pounds, the Mofo of Middle Earth, the Grim Reaper of Gondor, GANDALF THE GREEEEY! In this corner, also wearing tasteful neutral-colored flowing robes, standing two-foot-four, weighing 46 pounds, the Diva of Dagoba, the Jumpin’ Jedi, YODAAAAA!

Whaddya think? Who walks away with the belt?