So one of the many things I’ve been doing lately is that I perform in a monthly cabaret show. I sing with the band, I choreograph the dance numbers and often perform in them, I write the news segment, and I do some light comedic acting in various skits. I also recently started writing skits. Here’s the sort of quality entertainment I’ve been contributing.
The Death Panel
PANELIST 1: Good morning, everyone. I would like to call this meeting of the death panel to order, but I can’t find my gavel.
PANELIST 2: Oh, come now. (wags finger) Under Obama’s Socialist Regime, the gavel belongs to us all.
PANELIST 1: Very well. May I use our gavel for these proceedings?
PANELIST 2: I think I last saw it on the desk of that judge who does all the gay marriages. (gasps) He must use it to smash the institution of marriage!
PANELIST 3: That must be why my wife is divorcing me!
PANELIST 1: (looks him over) I don’t know. Maybe. (shakes it off) Let’s see what kinds of cases we’re reviewing today. (flips through some papers/folders) Here we go. First up, we have a sick little boy who may never walk again, due to a degenerative and crippling disease.
PANELIST 2: Can it be cured with stem cells?
PANELIST 3: You always ask that.
PANELIST 2: Well, can it?
PANELIST 1: How should I know? I’m not a doctor.
PANELIST 2: If it can, though, we should probably hand out more free abortions. That way, we can get all the stem cells he needs!
PANELIST 3: You know that there are other ways to get stem cells, right? They don’t all come from aborted fetuses.
PANELIST 2: Maybe, but everyone knows the aborted fetus ones are the best.
PANELIST 3: Well, I can’t argue with that.
PANELIST 1: Very well. I move that we approve little… (checks the papers) Billy’s treatment with stem cells. Any discussion?
PANELIST 2: If it’s got stem cells, I’m for it!
PANELIST 3: Sure, whatever you guys want.
PANELIST 1: Motion carries! (bangs a random object on the table) Now then, we have… (shuffles through papers, finds another) Ooh. Lou Reed needs a new liver.
PANELIST 3: Should we really approve that? I mean, look what he did to the old one.
PANELIST 2: Not even stem cells can fix that.
PANELIST 1: (thoughtfully, as if using the Socratic method) Are you saying that a prominent senior citizen deserves to die?
PANELIST 2: Well, what assurances do we have that he’ll treat a liver we give him with any more care than the one he grew himself? I mean, if a child’s goldfish dies, you don’t buy him a puppy.
PANELIST 3: (puzzled) What?
PANELIST 2: It’s just an expression.
PANELIST 1: I’m not sure we’d have any assurances at all.
PANELIST 2: What about this? What if we give him a liver, but not a very good one? You know, one we wouldn’t put in a healthy person.
PANELIST 1: You are such a softie.
PANELIST 3: Yeah, the biggest softie on the death panel!
PANELIST 1: What about that Slayer guy that died recently? Do we know what happened to his liver?
PANELIST 3: Not really.
PANELIST 2: That would be perfect if it’s available! If not, Lou Reed can have another musician’s liver when they die. It just can’t be, like a folk musician’s or Christian rocker’s liver, or anybody really young. And it has to be someone who’s done at least a few major road tours.
PANELIST 1: I can live with that.
PANELIST 3: (shrugs) OK.
PANELIST 1: Motion carries! (bangs random object on table) Let’s do one more and then break for lunch. (riffles papers a bit) Here’s a good one! We have here an 82-year-old woman, affectionately known as “Granny.”
PANELIST 2: Let’s kill her.
PANELIST 3: I agree. Kill her.
PANELIST 1: She’s not actually asking for anything life-threatening, though… She just needs a new pair of glasses.
PANELIST 3: I don’t care. I don’t like her. Let’s kill her.
PANELIST 2: I can get on board with that.
PANELIST 1: Well, that was easy. I guess it’s unanimous, then (bangs random object on table), and that’s lunch!