As you know, I am heavily in favor of the right of any American to get married to whatever consenting adult he or she wishes. My reading of the 14th Amendment of the Constitution of these United States is that no group of Americans can be discriminated against. Therefore, saying that Americans who are homosexual cannot enjoy the same legal partnership rights as everyone else is a direct violation of this amendment. Furthermore, the arguments for disallowing same-sex marriage are weeeeeeaaak. As a person who has been married for over 10 years, I can safely say that allowing same-sex couples to get married does not threaten my marriage in any way at all. It’s been going on in my home state of Massachusetts for a couple of years now, and it has had no discernable impact at all on my marriage (except perhaps that it gives my husband and myself something to say “right on” about, but we agree about lots of things).

Since this is an issue about which I feel very strongly, any time a petition comes along that I might sign, or any other way to help this great nation live out the principles laid out in its primary document of governance, I pitch in. I sign that sumbitch. I make the phone calls. I write the letters.

Well, a few weeks ago, I electronically signed such a petition and it went to my various governing officials. My U.S. Congresspersons are Sen. Ken Salazar, for whom I did vote, and with whose work I am pleased enough thus far; Rep. Bob Beauprez, who in this term of service has completely eradicated any respect I had had previously for him with his rotten behavior toward me and my fellow constituents (this is especially sucky because if I lived a mere couple of blocks away, my U.S. Rep. would be Udall, who’s a decent guy, and might I add, hot); and Wayne Allard, who, as the title of this posting suggests, needs to get his hateful, ignorant ass out of office. While I appreciate that he bothered to have a perfunctory missive sent to me at all — Beauprez’s staff is frickin’ SAD at this key function of government — I am horrified by its content. I share it with you below, in no small part because Mr. Allard, MY senator, does not allow his constituents to respond to his lofty emails that his staff deigns to send me. Therefore, I hit “Reply All” writ large. Take a look at this.

Dear Meg:

First of all, who told Wayne-o that he could call me by my first name? We’re not pals!

Thank you for contacting me to express your concerns regarding the issue of marriage. I appreciate you taking the time to write on such an important issue.

However, I do not appreciate it enough to allow you to reply to my email. Leave me alone, you annoying consitutent.

Marriage, the union between a man and a woman, has been the foundation of every civilization in human history. The definition of marriage crosses all bounds of race, religion, culture, political party, ideology, and ethnicity. Marriage is incorporated into the very fabric of our society. It is the one bond on which all other bonds are built and from which families and communities are grown.

WROOOOONG!!! He has no support for this statement because it’s not true. The foundation of civilizations is the polis, whose atomic piece may be (but is not limited to) the family unit, but definitions as to what constitutes a family unit are all over the place, and none explicitly names marriage between a male and a female as its base, not even Aristotle the gay he-man womanhater himself. Check out Book 2 of the Politics sometime. Furthermore, homosexuality occurs at the rate of approximately 11% of every single human population on earth, whereas views on marriage differ (and incidentally, some cultures have practiced same-sex marriages). Homosexuality, then, is actually more prevalent and consistent than marriage being the keystone of civilization, which Wayne-o would know if he had actually cracked a book and looked for evidence rather than making unsupported assertions. I am not impressed. But hey, he obviously didn’t even read my comments to him, so why the hell would he bother to read a frickin’ book of some kind?!

Furthermore, none of that is important, because the U.S. should not be in the business of making its laws in accordance with ancient sources. We are supposed to live by the Constitution, and amend it only when extremely necessary for better serving The People.

As you may know, on January 24, 2005, I introduced Senate Joint Resolution 1 along with 32 of my Senate colleagues. Known as the Marriage Protection Amendment, the resolution states that “Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman. Neither this Constitution, nor the constitution of any State, shall be construed to require that marriage or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon any union other than the union of a man and a woman.”

I did this because I have no idea where policy should come from, because I don’t give a rat’s ass what The People actually want, because Britney Spears’ 50-hour marriage is not at all a threat to the institution of marriage while two people of the same sex who have been committed to each other for 30 years really is, and because I found my bus boy attractive on the evening of January 23 and it freaked me out.

Unfortunately, traditional marriage has been under attack by those who wish to redefine marriage to be something that it is not. Activists have chosen to debate this issue not through the democratic processes such as state legislatures, the Congress, or ballot initiatives, but have instead turned to unaccountable and unelected judges.

Hey, whatever it takes for The People to go over the heads of ignorant, insubordinate weenies until we can get you the hell out of office, Wayne-o.

The purpose of my amendment is two-fold: First, it defines marriage as an institution solely between one man and one woman, and, second, it ensures that the people or their elected representatives, not judges, decide whether to confer the legal incidents of marriage on individuals. This amendment would not affect civil unions as created by state legislatures, nor the ability of private employers to offer benefits to same-sex couples. This amendment simply affirms the traditional definition of marriage and allows state legislatures, and not courts, to decide the issue of civil unions or domestic partnerships.

What a load of crap. This man doesn’t seem to understand his job AT ALL. The People and their elected representatives don’t want this. That’s why it got shot down. That means YOU, as an elected representative, should be honoring our wishes to knock it off instead of trying to legislate your own lame, uninformed opinion. Get it? This guy is not just incompetent, he’s perpetrating a hate crime on the U.S. Constitution, on roughly 11% of his constituents, and on society at large.

I do not take amending the U.S. Constitution lightly. My decision to introduce a Constitutional amendment was made in direct response to the carefully coordinated campaign to circumvent the democratic process and redefine marriage through the courts.

This is such a ridiculous pile of lies in such a small space, you almost have to admire it… if it weren’t destroying the fabric of this great and tolerant country (well, on paper, anyway…).

I am pleased that on June 7, 2006, a majority of Senators voting voted in support of my amendment. Although it did not receive enough votes to end the filibuster, the progress that was achieved in the Senate and the states since the first vote on this amendment in 2004 is proof that marriage remains an important issue to the American people.

WHAT?! If it did not receive enough votes, that means people DON’T want it. Get it? And what exactly is the logic underlying the conclusion that a prior event to that shows that something is continuing? So then, the prior event of the McCarthy hearings in this country proves that the issue of communists in our midst is still an important issue to the American people?

Thank you for writing to share your concerns. I look forward to hearing from you again. If you would like more information on issues important to Colorado and the nation, please log on to my website at http://allard.senate.gov.

Never contact me again. You can’t even respond to this email, and even if you could, I wouldn’t read it or give a rat’s ass. I’m just going to keep on ignoring the fact that I work for you and do whatever I feel like doing. Now go away.

Sincerely,

Pah!

A Wayne Allard United States Senator

WA:st

I had an intern write this because I am too busy blowing off the real wishes of the American people I represent to do research or think about stuff, and I prefer it that way.

Know how I discovered I couldn’t reply to this email? I attempted to write a mere two-sentence response that got rejected by the server: It said only, “Your disregard for the 14th Amendment is very disappointing. I can’t wait to make a generous donation to your opponent.” No wonder he has no idea what his constituents want, and no intention of doing it anyway. My fellow Coloradans, please join me in ejecting this ineffective, ignorant, self-serving defiler of the Constitution from office at our earliest opportunity.